Wednesday, January 13, 2010, 12:11 AM
Problem with living in a godless universe is there’s nobody to pray to, to wish for a year without calamity. Back from first Second Tuesday of the yr I’ve been able to attend and I come home to find that my bestest littlee laptop pal, my Buddy Bear has been killed by a car, a mile from our house. All gates closed; lightning, thunder and rain and somehow he did what he’s never done beefore and now he’s gone. Judy broke down and cried and cried when I met her at the vet. Serena’s new doggy got killed by a coyote on new years day so there’s grief to spread around. Shit shit shit.
Upset stomach; haven’t taken my pills, Jasper wants to play ball, computer’s on the fritz, I’m broke, Judy’s broke, no prospects. Have some workshop distractions that need doing; sort of a blessing I suppose.
He was such a good boy: no faults at all. We expected Nani or Maple or Shadow would be the next to go; it’s never the one you think it will be. No fair; no fair at all. No more Second Tuesdays; it’s too far and I’m not leaving the nest for long, for a long time.
Judy’s got a real broken heart; so do I but as usual the tears are gone. Like Conan I’ve got to have someone else shed my tears it seems. No rain now of course. Shit.
Posted news to twitter and faceebook then signed off. Escaping into familiar: solitaire and music on TV. Cluttered mind, empty life. Penance goes on forever..
Animated sacks of meat; I look forward to senility.
Feel like I’m circling the drain again. Outlived my dad: that’s a little weird but then he was a hard drinker with a bad temper. Guess I may have another ten yrs but it might be ten minutes. Certainty is an evil thing but I’m fairly certain the universe is godless. Unfortunate it’s not kookless as well.
Little guy lived his whole life with separation anxiety; to die fast a good thing but in fear: very bad thing. He didn’t deserve that.
I’m learning to covet oblivion: brain sez not a good thing but the temptation grows..
Can’t even win at solitaire tonight.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010, 11:24 AM
Bad night: bad dreams. Snuggled with Jasper and held hands with J most of night. Judy’s really taking it hard. He was my consolation when Melanie died and now he’s gone too.
Each doggy death takes a big chunk of happiness with it; I’m just afraid that when they’re all gone we’ll be totally miserable and permanently unhappy. This isn’t a job for the faint of heart and there we are, right in the crosshairs. As Judy says we need a smaller amount to be attached to. I need to stop falling so in love with ‘em that we don’t stop finding homes for the adoptable ones.

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